Criss-Cross-Crash Bios

Alright assholes, here's the final bios

Joe Conerty - The token tall ginger of this team, Joe compliments his height with an insatiable hunger for burritos. Tackled the enormous burrito at some place in Baton Rouge. Debateably best rookie to have at a party that doesn't break stuff

Dana Caton - Dana was a stud swimmer in high school that decided Illinois was worth no scholarship. He's got some gnarly head fakes, on and off the field to boot. Next to Miley, one of the most likely to lose his shirt for the ladies, buzz word for that to happen has yet to be discovered

Jeff Gordon - Nascar has managed to perfect the art of the left turn cut he initiated last year. If he can find a way make it go right, and use the speed he showed in the combine he'll be a real NHRA hero

Aaron Yao - Uses his ability to wear a headband to full effect and perform the con of being a soccer player. One the Walden scale of honorability, he rates about a 7 with 1 being Mickey and a 10 for Walden

Rob Dreier - High school tennis super star, lost ability to smash 140 mph forehand in rubber match against Andy Roddick. Claims to be able to beat anyone on the team at Sesame Street Uno. These may or may not be truthful, but there's only so much I can do with the wrong-handed

Ryan 'Papa Bear' Kurnik - Rounds out car awesome for Mardi Gras managing to talk my voice hoarse during said trip. Second loudest on the team behind McLain, as a freshmen no less. Look to him to step up in the next 3 years and lead Fun Squad to new heights

Nik Patel - The heir apparent to the Indian title on the team. Nik isn't the loudest, maybe he's the quietest, leading to speculation on his non-Ultimate life. My goal for next year is to bring him out of his shell, and if not create a monster, then at least a force to be reckoned with

Steve Haake - Yet another Downers Grove product, honestly how many are there? Anyway, like Cozza, did gymnastics in high school but dont expect ill-advised completions just yet. Do expect a new heir-apparent to "GINGER SMASH" up and down the field, just as soon as he realizes he can run over skinny kids like me

Jacob Nelson - Arguably the most interesting running motion on the team, he appears physically in pain while in motion. Expect him to usurp the gangliest man on the team as soon as a graduate, a perfect replacement

Kevin 'Sprite' Cleary - Maybe the most party for the size. At 1 oompa-loompa in height, Sprite brings the thunder. He masqueraded as Chrysler's younger brother to work his charms on high schoolers. Is currently relearning how to play to the removal of his power source, Ernie the Hernia. RIP

Brandon Smith - I would call him mini-me, but that just isn't PC enough. So let's leave it at tall, awesome hair and pretty alright throws. Hasn't caught handleritis yet, but hopefully its inevitable onset won't be too significant

Jack Rabuck - The only person to submit an application to ride home with McKinley and I from Champaign after spring break. Possibly the funniest email I have ever seen. He excels at party games and uses his charisma to effectively 'Cheat to Win'

Charlie Ma - Although he doesn't show us, there are rumors aplenty he leads a pint sized Asian gang across campus that chalk complex transfer equations on the quad. Charlie also has bravery far beyond his size, he had his wisdom teeth taken out in Champaign instead of his native Boston, Mass.

Tim Pien - Another Boston native. Fun Fact - The Departed is his biography, Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to fill in for Jackie Chan to make it more 'Boston.' When not playing ultimate, Tim enjoys owning kids at Super Smash Bros. Watch out Troy

Adam Wright - Once spiked a dead disc at summer league. Once punched a hole in a wall after losing flip cup. Once enjoyed being hit on by cougars at Summerfest. Once ditched Mardi Gras for high school state wrestling. Many times threw scores. Knows numbers well enough to be a EE major

Kevin Bruns - Not much is known about this specimen outside ultimate. Might be Superman, its possible I suppose. More likely theory is that he was born to lead gingers to the promised land. Location yet to be decided, Atlantis at the top of the list