Criss-Cross-Crash Bios

Alright assholes, here's the final bios

Joe Conerty - The token tall ginger of this team, Joe compliments his height with an insatiable hunger for burritos. Tackled the enormous burrito at some place in Baton Rouge. Debateably best rookie to have at a party that doesn't break stuff

Dana Caton - Dana was a stud swimmer in high school that decided Illinois was worth no scholarship. He's got some gnarly head fakes, on and off the field to boot. Next to Miley, one of the most likely to lose his shirt for the ladies, buzz word for that to happen has yet to be discovered

Jeff Gordon - Nascar has managed to perfect the art of the left turn cut he initiated last year. If he can find a way make it go right, and use the speed he showed in the combine he'll be a real NHRA hero

Aaron Yao - Uses his ability to wear a headband to full effect and perform the con of being a soccer player. One the Walden scale of honorability, he rates about a 7 with 1 being Mickey and a 10 for Walden

Rob Dreier - High school tennis super star, lost ability to smash 140 mph forehand in rubber match against Andy Roddick. Claims to be able to beat anyone on the team at Sesame Street Uno. These may or may not be truthful, but there's only so much I can do with the wrong-handed

Ryan 'Papa Bear' Kurnik - Rounds out car awesome for Mardi Gras managing to talk my voice hoarse during said trip. Second loudest on the team behind McLain, as a freshmen no less. Look to him to step up in the next 3 years and lead Fun Squad to new heights

Nik Patel - The heir apparent to the Indian title on the team. Nik isn't the loudest, maybe he's the quietest, leading to speculation on his non-Ultimate life. My goal for next year is to bring him out of his shell, and if not create a monster, then at least a force to be reckoned with

Steve Haake - Yet another Downers Grove product, honestly how many are there? Anyway, like Cozza, did gymnastics in high school but dont expect ill-advised completions just yet. Do expect a new heir-apparent to "GINGER SMASH" up and down the field, just as soon as he realizes he can run over skinny kids like me

Jacob Nelson - Arguably the most interesting running motion on the team, he appears physically in pain while in motion. Expect him to usurp the gangliest man on the team as soon as a graduate, a perfect replacement

Kevin 'Sprite' Cleary - Maybe the most party for the size. At 1 oompa-loompa in height, Sprite brings the thunder. He masqueraded as Chrysler's younger brother to work his charms on high schoolers. Is currently relearning how to play to the removal of his power source, Ernie the Hernia. RIP

Brandon Smith - I would call him mini-me, but that just isn't PC enough. So let's leave it at tall, awesome hair and pretty alright throws. Hasn't caught handleritis yet, but hopefully its inevitable onset won't be too significant

Jack Rabuck - The only person to submit an application to ride home with McKinley and I from Champaign after spring break. Possibly the funniest email I have ever seen. He excels at party games and uses his charisma to effectively 'Cheat to Win'

Charlie Ma - Although he doesn't show us, there are rumors aplenty he leads a pint sized Asian gang across campus that chalk complex transfer equations on the quad. Charlie also has bravery far beyond his size, he had his wisdom teeth taken out in Champaign instead of his native Boston, Mass.

Tim Pien - Another Boston native. Fun Fact - The Departed is his biography, Leonardo DiCaprio was forced to fill in for Jackie Chan to make it more 'Boston.' When not playing ultimate, Tim enjoys owning kids at Super Smash Bros. Watch out Troy

Adam Wright - Once spiked a dead disc at summer league. Once punched a hole in a wall after losing flip cup. Once enjoyed being hit on by cougars at Summerfest. Once ditched Mardi Gras for high school state wrestling. Many times threw scores. Knows numbers well enough to be a EE major

Kevin Bruns - Not much is known about this specimen outside ultimate. Might be Superman, its possible I suppose. More likely theory is that he was born to lead gingers to the promised land. Location yet to be decided, Atlantis at the top of the list

Bios Part Last

Andrew Schmid	#99
Discovered:	11/24/1986
Title:	Schmoopy
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Mustelidae
Genus:	Mustela
Species:	M. mustela
Super subspcies:	A. Schmid M. mustela
Origin:	Created by his father's chemistry power and borne of his mother
Native to:	Downers Grove, IL
Wishes he were from:	Chicago
Height:	1.4 Oompa Loompas
Speed:	Quick to Fast, dependent on shins
OBP:	.871, he is only one man
Most common stance:	Camped out in front of the box with no shirt
Communication:	Uses entertaining words such as per se and slumber, holds record for most texts in a one hour period
Fraternity Life:	negatory
Natural hair color/shape:	Dark, varies from hippie long to army short
Body Type:	Jacked
Strengths:	Knowledge of the game, attendance of logo night at murphy's every week, NBA jam
Weakness:	Poetry girl
Highlight:	Shutting down Hands at sectionals, determining the proper flowrate of a beverage dispenser
Lowlight:	Breaking said beverage dispenser
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Installation of hangboard in apartment, usage of monstrous amp at parties to "rock it"
Fun Fact:	Has the ability to create a nickname for someone within seconds of meeting them, has younger brother at Illinois who has been confused for him by past roommate
See also:	Ultimate, Downers Grove, Long boarding, Halo Halo Halo

Matt Novak	#82
Discovered:	3/25/1990
Title:
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Perissodactyla
Family:	Tapiridae
Genus:	Tapirus
Species:	Tapirus terrestris
Super subspcies:	M. Novak Tapirus terrestris
Origin:	A movie theater, why? I need something good
Native to:	Aurora, IL
Wishes he were from:	Naperville, who doesn’t if you're from Aurora? Just kidding homie
Height:	Tall-subTall
Speed:	Faster than slow
OBP:	.132, but is super adorable
Most common stance:	Confused, but then asking how to do better
Communication:	Rare, leads to shy appearance
Fraternity Life:	no
Natural hair color/shape:	Brown, minimal
Body Type:	Strength hidden behind baggy clothes
Strengths:	Intensity on the field, hilarious comments off
Weakness:	Looking goofy
Highlight:	Monster layout D against Western Michigan at Huck Hinn 09
Lowlight:	Poor showing at first Road House event
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Taunting McKinley on the first night of spring break with the two headed girl
Fun Fact:	May have a man crush on Andy, has him quoted on his facebook
See also:	Ultimate, Cubs, youtube, future sophomores of tomorrow

Jon Ogrodnik	#80
Discovered:	8/20/1987
Title:	Facial Hair God
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Mustelidae
Genus:	Gulo
Species:	G. gulo
Super subspcies:	J. Ogrodnik G. gulo
Origin:	Chuck Norris' beard
Native to:	Wheeling, IL
Wishes he were from:	A land without the ability to grow facial hair and be their god
Height:	Medium
Speed:	Not real fast, but not real slow
OBP:	0.198
Most common stance:	Looking intimidating, stroking mustache
Communication:	Twitches mustache in elaborate communicating system, if that is ineffective uses words
Fraternity Life:	No
Natural hair color/shape:	Dark brown,close cropped
Body Type:	Unimportant, look at the beard
Strengths:	Backhand, ability to create spectacular custumes for theme parties
Weakness:	Need to shave every hour in order to tame the beast
Highlight:	Playing out of his mind D, several occasions (Ball State foremost)
Lowlight:	21st Birthday at Brothers, as in second Highlight *highfive*
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Ability to grow more facial hair in a week than all the freshmen combined
Fun Fact:	Has an extensive musical collection with an emphasis on new age and classic rock
See also:	Ultimate, Schick Quattro, The most interesting man alive

Dave 'Splash' Janociak	#77
Discovered:	6/23/1989
Title:	Mr. Splashtastic
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Cetacea
Family:	Delphinidae
Genus:	Tursiops
Species:	Tursiops truncatus
Super subspcies:	D. Janociak Tursiops truncatus
Origin:	The deep blue
Native to:	Lemont,IL
Wishes he were from:	Sea World
Height:	Medium-Tall
Speed:	Faster than you would think, for a land creature
OBP:	High, rumored at least .845
Most common stance:	Swimming through puddles after layout practice
Communication:	Laughter, if that fails echolocation
Fraternity Life:	No, but then yes
Natural hair color/shape:	Light brown, akin to a bowlcut
Body Type:	Normal, until you see his dorsal fin
Strengths:	Breathes water, will layout for a disc anywhere within 15 ft of person
Weakness:	Dry skin, crossfield hammers
Highlight:	Puddle jumping Mardi Gras 08
Lowlight:	Discovering that bad plays result in diminishing nickname (Splash > Splish > Drip > Sandy)
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Once lashed two sea turtles together with his own hair to create a raft in order to exact his revenge on Captain Barbossa
Fun Fact:	Recruited Andy and Brandon to play ultimate at Illinois, how he managed is up for debate. Scooby snacks viable option
See also:	Ultimate, Flipper, Ping Pong, Synchronized Swimming

Spenser Murakami	#66
Discovered:	12/23/1987
Title:	Style Patrol
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Eupleridae
Genus:	Fossa
Species:	Fossa fossana
Super subspcies:	S. Murakami Fossa fossana
Origin:	Hatched from the egg of an eagle, nursed to health by a wolf, and taught numbers by Einstein
Native to:	Naperville, IL
Wishes he were from:	A more normal origin
Height:	Medium
Speed:	Fast
OBP:	1.000
Most common stance:	Attempting one handed grabs with unnecessary jumps
Communication:	Uses hip glasses to lure people into conversations, then astounds with smartness
Fraternity Life:	no
Natural hair color/shape:	black, short
Body Type:	Ironman
Strengths:	Speed, style off the field
Weakness:	Minimal, sources close to the subject say dirt under fingernails
Highlight:	Roasting Chicago at sectionals for multiple scores
Lowlight:	Point against Texas at Mardi Gras 09, the point that would not end
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Repping Naperville likes its going out of style
Fun Fact:	Has introduced girlfriend on a bus, but has not been to a party (to my knowledge), smart play sir
See also:	Naperville, Ultimate, Speedness, quickeration

It's been another fun ride gents, I'll be seeing all y'all when we get back in August. Until then,
Unglockables,
Keenan

BIos Part 3

Shane Randa	#57
Discovered:	6/9/1989
Title:	Shabbbby
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Amphibia
Order:	Caudata
Family:	Ambystomatidae
Genus:	Ambystoma
Species:	A. mexicanum
Super subspcies:	S. Randa A. mexicanum
Origin:	The land of clap catches
Native to:	Oswego, IL
Wishes he were from:	South Park, CO
Height:	Medium-Rare
Speed:	Quick, but not too quick
OBP:	.359, uses full powers rarely
Most common stance:	Looking adorable, before making knee breaking cut, then adorable again
Communication:	Will disagree with you out of spite, then not apologize. Hurtful
Fraternity Life:	No
Natural hair color/shape:	Dark Brown
Body Type:	Strongly Strong, hidden beneath strongness
Strengths:	Strength, teaching math ability, fakes
Weakness:	Story telling ability (lie if you arent exciting, none of us are)
Highlight:	Any layout, more importantly the recovery after an ugly one
Lowlight:	The aforementioned layout upon impact
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	His ability to astound with knowledge one minute then tell a dirty joke the next
Fun Fact:	Once fit 18 dwarfs into his truck bed in order to prove that you can bring 2 baseball teams in one car
See also:	Ultimate, Oswego, Child Stars, Mathematic educators ate Tomorrow (MEAT)

Kevin Yee	#55
Discovered:	10/6/1987
Title:	Jelly Master
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Ailuridae
Genus:	Ailurus
Species:	A. fulgens
Super subspcies:	K. Yee A. fulgens
Origin:	A tube in the unmentionables section
Native to:	Palatine, IL
Wishes he were from:	Chicago for Da Bulls
Height:	Medium
Speed:	A quick asian!!! Brilliant
OBP:	0.198
Most common stance:	Discussing the validity of Chicago sports trades and player's stats
Communication:	High level sports, medium level normalcy, low level nerd-dom
Fraternity Life:	no
Natural hair color/shape:	Black, buzzedish
Body Type:	Stringy
Strengths:	Sick cuts, dropping stats, dropping rhymes
Weakness:	Nicknames
Highlight:	Knocking around bizarro Yee on Wisconsin B, using rarely seen talent of heckles that leave subject in tears
Lowlight:	Huck Finn 07, we'll call it the K Shah incident
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Ability to keep up with 3 TVs at once at the 31
Fun Fact:	Has uncanny ability to run tables for hours on end, enter at your own risk
See also:	Chicago Bulls, Cubs, Ultimate, Three Legged Races

Kai Kosog	#51
Discovered:	8/29/1990
Title:	The woodsman
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Mammalia
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Canidae
Genus:	Canis
Species:	Canis Lupus
Super subspcies:	K. Kosog Canis Lupus
Origin:	Raised by wolves
Native to:	Geneva, IL
Wishes he were from:	Montana
Height:	Medium-Well
Speed:	Quick, added by layouts
OBP:	0.576
Most common stance:	Flying through the air for a D
Communication:	Bilingual, knows both English and language of the wild
Fraternity Life:	No, one man wolfpack
Natural hair color/shape:	Blonde, medium
Body Type:	Gymnast
Strengths:	Being strong, no regard for own health, ability to seduce anyone
Weakness:	Foot fetishes (only speculated, maybe)
Highlight:	Crushing Belmont with layouts at Music City
Lowlight:	Losing a wrestling match with a bear
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Is the cousin of the boyfriend of a cousin of mine. Wowzers
Fun Fact:	Can tame and ride a wild boar within 24 hours
See also:	Ultimate, gymnastics, lifeguarding, woodsmanizing

Joe Kirchberg	#41
Discovered:	2/20/1988
Title:	Crazy Indiana Transfer Guy
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Repitilia
Order:	Squamata
Family:	Viperidae
Genus:	Crotalus
Species:	Crotalus basiliscus
Super subspcies:	J. Kirchberg Crotalus basiliscus
Origin:	East of Illinois in the state that shall not be named
Native to:	His facebook doesn’t say, lame
Wishes he were from:	Atlantis
Height:	Shortish
Speed:	Quickish
OBP:	Highish
Most common stance:	Laughing, then the quality stare down
Communication:	Uses clever words and phrases to confuse the weak minded, like a jedi
Fraternity Life:	Not at Illinois
Natural hair color/shape:	Dark, short
Body Type:	Strong through powers unimagined
Strengths:	Being underestimated then crushing, ability to eat massive amounts, spidey-sense
Weakness:	Knees
Highlight:	Being the best junior rookie of all year
Lowlight:	Still having to be a rookie even though he was older than the other rookies (Vets looked upon his situation favorably, most of the time)
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Ability to thwart my attempts to create a good bio by having little information available
Fun Fact:	Woke up at 5am and skipped class to make it to Mardi Gras first because it was also his birthday
See also:	Ultimate, Illinois > Indiana, Unconvential sporting events

Peter Lutz	#39
Discovered:	7/19/1988
Title:	Private Ultimate
Scientific Classification:
Kingdom:	Animalia
Phylum:	Chordata
Class:	Vertebrata
Order:	Carnivora
Family:	Felidae
Genus:	Panthera
Species:	Pardus
Super subspcies:	P. Lutz Pardus
Origin:	Born of the cosmic waste to bring harmony to the earth
Native to:	Glenview, IL
Wishes he were from:	Imaginationland
Height:	Tall guy
Speed:	Keenan-esque
OBP:	.390
Most common stance:	Jumping over someone
Communication:	Useful combination of words and utilization of ROTC powers if that doesn’t work
Fraternity Life:	yes
Natural hair color/shape:	Brown, army cut
Body Type:	Robocop
Strengths:	Being tall, being intimidating, grows stronger the more heckled
Weakness:	Kryptonite
Highlight:	Callahan against Kansas at Mardi Gras 09
Lowlight:	Arriving late to sectionals, but awesome once there
Keenan's Favorite Thing:	Ability to protect me from the crazy people out in the world with supreme ninja powers
Fun Fact:	Can swim in water with full combat loading. Speculation remains on whether will still work in pudding
See also:	ROTC, ultimate, water balloon artillery